I am transgendered and would like to give you an appreciation of what it is like to be transgendered and some of the issues and challenges faced by transgendered people.

DEFINITION

Perhaps I should start by trying to define the term transgender.  Unfortunately, there is no single international definition but general usage would suggest that transgender is an umbrella term, which includes transsexual and cross dressers and generally covers people with gender identity issues.  Transsexual usually refers to people who decide to live in their acquired gender.  They might or might not have gender reassignment surgery and take hormones.  Cross dresser covers those people who enjoy dressing in the clothes of the opposite gender but without feeling the need to do so on a permanent basis. 

GENDER DYSPHORIA

A description I prefer in relation to myself is gender dysphoria.  Gender dysphoria is a medical condition, which results in a mismatch between the gender a person experiences in their mind and the physical sex of their body.  There is nothing wrong with either the mind or the body, it is just that they are mismatched and because both the body and mind are healthy, they are difficult to treat.  How do you fix something that isn’t broken?

The condition of gender dysphoria is relatively rare, with around one person in 10,000 affected.  There are roughly even numbers of women and men born with the condition.  We know that not all born with gender dysphoria decide to transition and for many who do transition, they decide not to undergo gender reassignment surgery.  There have been more than 500 people undergo reassignment surgery in Victoria in the last 20 years and there seems to be an endless flow of those seeking help and sometimes surgery.

Gender dysphoria affects male- and female-born people in similar numbers.  It appears that more people transition male to female than vice versa, but in today’s world, a woman can dress and act in a fairly androgynous way without attracting too much attention.  It becomes a very out-there statement with a male to female change.

I have been transgendered and suffered from the condition of gender dysphoria all my life but was nearly 50 before I decided I could no longer delay making the transition.  There has been little research done as to the cause of gender dysphoria and to date there is no DNA marker or medical test to confirm whether someone is transgendered or not.  As research has been limited, the cause of gender dysphoria is still uncertain but is believed to be the result of an inadequate dose of hormone in the womb in the 8 – 12 week period.  In my case it would appear I received less that the normal dose of testosterone and ended up somewhere on a scale between masculinity and femininity.

NOT A CHOICE

Women know the discrimination which we face in today’s world.  There is a glass ceiling, there are lower rates of pay for women, men do seem to be preferred when promotions are being decided, there is no fair treatment for women who become pregnant and want to return to the workforce, etc.  There are many examples of the discrimination, which is still so endemic in today’s world.

So you may ask why would any male give up the advantages he enjoys in his work life and the community in general, just by being male?  It would make sense for a woman to transition to living as a man but why would anyone do it if they had a choice?  Most of us do not have a choice.  We do it to survive.  In my case, only doing so after several suicidal scares.

EARLY DAYS

I had known for most of my life that I was different, but when I was young, it was before the internet and the many books, TV programmes and films which refer to transgender issues and matters – sometimes in an appropriate manner, but regrettably all too often in an unbalanced and sensational manner.  I genuinely thought I was the only person in the world who had the thoughts and confusion that I had and that there was something weird or sick about me.  I never discussed it with anyone and ended up parking or ignoring this aspect of myself for a long time.

I went to university and qualified as an accountant.  I was lucky to find my soul mate and we got married and later had two lovely children.  I worked very hard and got heavily involved in sporting teams and events.  All designed to help keep at bay a fundamental part of the real me.  When I look back I realise I became a very controlled person.  I never really relaxed or made close friends, other than my wife, because I never wanted my big secret to be let out of the bag.

ACCEPTING MYSELF

About 20 years ago I began to accept that I was hiding a significant part of the real me.  I continued to pretend and act as I thought people expected me to do but it was becoming increasingly difficult.  By now, I was fully aware of transgendered people and started to accept that that was my situation.  I now had a successful marriage, two growing children and a career, which was developing strongly.  I did not want to consider what might happen if I started to address my issues, and found a way to bury them again.

After my father got very sick and then later died, it is apparent that something in my subconscious moved on and I started to realise I could not continue denying a crucial part of the real me.  I started to attend regular psychology sessions trying to work through and understand my issues.  I think I realised early on that the only solution would be to transition but I was scared.  Scared of the impact on my wife of 27 years and my two adult children.  Also my mother and her reaction to the news.  I was scared of what would happen at work and how I would cope in society. 

MAKING THE DECISION

This is really scary territory.  In my case, I kept trying to delay a decision and it was in this period that I experienced depression for the first time and almost committed suicide on three different occasions.  Again, knowing of the discrimination against women and transgender people, I recognised I could potentially be worse off, but I had no option.  I was rattled by the suicide events and having always been a positive forward-looking person, realised I had to make a decision to transition and had to make it work. If I wanted to stay alive, I would need to be true to myself and take the plunge.

Rushing into a decision to transition is most unlikely.  In fact, from experience I can now say that because there is so much to do in preparing for such a momentous life change, I think a person needs to allow at least 6-9 months from the decision time to changeover day.

FAMILY IMPACT

My wife has had a hard time over the last six years as she mourned the loss of her husband and provided support to our children as they tried to come to grips with the complete shock at my decision.  In many ways, her situation could be considered as (or perhaps even more) difficult than coping with a death because I was still around but acting and looking very different.  I know my son felt he had lost his male role model and took many years to accept the change.

I refer to Janice as my wife because we are still legally married.  There has not been any requirement for us to divorce as I have undergone the significant physical changes.  We did try to get a divorce about three years ago but because we were still living together, although in a very different relationship and separate bedrooms, our situation was deemed unique and would have needed to become a test case in an open court.  We decided we did not want that profile at the time, which was already very difficult and have not tried again.  So we have one of the few legal same sex marriages in Australia.

The last six years has been a real emotional roller coaster for Janice and myself.  Fortunately we have largely alternated with our ups and downs and been able to help each other trying to cope.  Our relationship is just so different and most areas of change have been represented by lots of pain and real loss and a great deal of tears and lost sleep.  I cannot recommend the process, but I could not have chosen a better person with whom to try and work through the issues.

TELLING LOVED ONES

When I reached my crisis point and decided I needed to transition, I first told those members of my family who did not already know.  This was particularly difficult, especially with and for my mum.  My mother responded that I was her first born and she would continue to love me for the rest of my life, regardless of the circumstances.  I cannot pretend it was not hard for her, but to my great relief, her love and acceptance has never wavered. 

TELLING MY EMPLOYER

As I started to work through my transition phase, one big decision which loomed was deciding when to tell my employer.  I was lucky that I had confided in a colleague at work more than a year earlier and it was nice to have a friend keeping an eye out for me.

I worked in a senior role in a large Trans-Tasman public company and had fortunately been reasonably successful over the four years I had been there and had established a degree of credibility in my skill sets and contribution to the company. 

There was utter disbelief when I told the Human Resources Director of my decision but to my relief, he offered his complete support.  We discussed the company perhaps engaging a psychologist to assist in preparing the company for my transition.  The company decided to employ the psychologist I had been seeing for more than four years.  She had assisted others to transition in the workplace and worked with the senior human resources people to prepare a plan to meet my and the company’s needs. 

I was very lucky that I had known the Chief Executive for four years and when I told him he assured me the company would provide me with its full support.  The chief executive and HR director set the standard and tone for the rest of the company to follow.  The company really treated this as an opportunity to demonstrate its commitment to diversity and received a lot of very favourable feedback from a wide range of employees.

TRANSITION

The transition went very well and there have been few issues in the three years since I made the change.  Initially there were a few slips of name or pronoun and I learnt to be a bit thicker skinned.  I appreciated the enormity of the challenge, which my friends and colleagues faced.  I think it helped greatly to transition in a company where I was already well established.

As you might imagine it is quite intriguing to have lived as both male and female.  It is interesting to view the world from the two perspectives and observe the different treatment afforded to women.  Many years ago a male academic who was world renowned and very well respected in his field, transitioned and commenced living and working and attending academic seminars, etc. as a woman.  She found that despite her qualifications and experience, she was virtually ignored as a woman.  Faced with this massive loss of status, she decided to transition back and recommence life as a male.  I cannot imagine the difficulties he faced as he decided which compromise he had to make.

LEARNING TO WALK AND TALK – AGAIN

Can you imagine living for nearly fifty years and constantly trying to act the way that is expected of you?  I was never really comfortable with my life and if I was at a party, I always wanted to be with the women and not the men.  I learned to show an interest in sport so I had something to talk about but it never sat comfortably.

Can you imagine at fifty suddenly trying to learn to walk and talk as the opposite gender and carry on as though you had been doing it all your life?  Trying to know how to dress and put on makeup rather than having all your teenage years to experiment and decide what works well and what doesn’t.  There have been many firsts and challenges over the last few years – often associated with increased anxiety and apprehension.  Buying my first women’s clothes, trying clothes on in a shop for the first time, first time dressed in public, first time in a restaurant, first time on public transport, applying for my change of name, getting my new drivers licence, first time for public speaking, first time through Customs with the new passport, first time flying and in Europe as the new me.  So many firsts, all necessary but unusual for someone of fifty.

MECHANICS OF THE CHANGE

I have not mentioned some of the mechanics of the changeover. Registering a change of name and then following this through the myriad of paperwork which surrounds us all is a major paper war, which seems to take forever.  A significant problem for those like myself who travel overseas on a regular basis, is the issue of a current passport.  In Australia you can get a new passport showing your new name and photo, but it will continue to show the gender assessed at birth, until after gender reassignment surgery.  There are many countries in the world where this raises questions and can be quite embarrassing.

A DIFFICULT JOURNEY

Unfortunately many transgender people are chronic underachievers.  There is great mental anguish and confusion as we try to address our gender dysphoria.  Many never really succeed with this massive challenge.  We all end up realising life is a compromise and it is a matter of which course is the least bad compromise.  I have not met a transgender person who would choose to be transgendered – all of us would prefer to be clearly male or female.

For many, they try desperately to hide their confusion by undertaking particularly male roles.  Many join the armed forces or merchant navy or take on engineering or other roles in a male dominated field.  Most get involved in sports, often physically challenging, and do as much as they can to block their true feelings and meet their real needs.  All of us are trying so hard to be seen as normal. 

Unfortunately a lot of people commit suicide before reaching the age of 30 – some research suggests more than 30% commit suicide by that age.  Many never have a settled and successful career and most end up hopelessly lonely after telling their family of their condition.  Most lose contact with family; many lose their jobs and move from being financially secure to being almost destitute.  Many end up on the unemployment benefit and relatively few make the most of their career.  At a time when they need help, there are few skilled sources of professional help. 

FINDING SUPPORT

Few general practitioners have had much exposure or experience with gender dysphoria and people faced with gender issues have limited avenues to informed advice and guidance.  We are fortunate in Victoria to have a gender clinic, which provides support and guidance to those with gender identity issues.  The clinic was established 30 years ago and has a number of highly qualified and experienced professionals attached to it, including psychiatrists, an endocrinologist, surgeon, and voice-training expert.  For those wanting reassignment surgery in Victoria, they must attend, be assessed and then approved for surgery by the clinic.  The clinic follows an international standard (the Benjamin code of conduct) for the assessment and treatment of people faced with gender identity issues.

As I know from personal experience, the transition can be an expensive and painful exercise – starting with psychological help, then having various operations and electrolysis, which for me required more than 300 hours of cost and pain.  One major upside is replacing your entire wardrobe all at once and my interest in clothes and jewellery and even cooking, has skyrocketed!  I was fortunate to have been well paid and to have received some timely bonuses through this period.  Many of my friends have not been so fortunate and have not been able to get the psychological help which would have been of great benefit, or to have the operations as they would have liked. 

In our case, the whole family needed varying degrees of professional help as we tried to work through our issues.  Janice did a massive amount of reading of selected self-help books to help her refocus and redefine her values and decide how she wanted to spend her next few years.

TRANSITION AND EDUCATION

I saw my transition as a great opportunity to educate others about gender dysphoria and transgenderism.  Most people I meet have not previously (at least knowingly) met a transgender person.  I have always welcomed questions and done as much as I can to assist the other person.  As a generalization, most women have been very accepting and apparently comfortable whereas many men seem to be distinctly uncomfortable and often unwilling to even try to cope.  I think many men are uncomfortable and even threatened when they knowingly meet a gay male and it appears there is a similar situation when meeting a transgender person.

MYTHS

I would like to discuss some myths that I often hear in relation to transgendered people.  Firstly, a transgendered person must be gay.  Sexuality for transgendered people is just like sexuality in the general population with some who are heterosexual, some are gay, some are bisexual and some could be classified as asexual.  Secondly, a transgendered person, born male, who decides to transition, does so because he wants sex with men but does not want to admit to being gay.  I cannot imagine any gay person having gender reassignment surgery and all that that entails, just for sex.  I can talk with great personal experience of the journey which is involved and the many challenges along the way.

TRYING TO DO THE BEST WE CAN IN LIFE

I can now look back on my journey with some satisfaction.  I am still in contact with all my family (although some needed longer than others to accept the new me) and I still have a great, but different, relationship with my best friend and wife.  I have remained employed through this period of massive change and have in fact had a promotion in recent times.

Life has not been easy but I have not had a single moment of regret or concern that I made the right decision.  Sometimes I wish I had made my decision a lot earlier but that denies my wife and children, so I do not waste time in that pursuit.

Like most in the transgender community, I do not like the term transsexual.  Trans signifies moving from one place to another and there is nothing to do with sex in our decision making process.  We do not consider we are transitioning, so much as aligning our bodies with our mind and soul.  We are not sick as much as having a body that does not fit the internal perception of our gender and ourselves.  People who physically become women were already psychologically women before the treatment. 

Research and attempts over many years have been unsuccessful in trying to change the mind of a transgender person, so the most appropriate treatment for the transsexual is to align the body more closely with the mind.  Clearly the alignment has varying degrees of success with age and physical size being major factors.  For many people transitioning, physical appearance becomes a major issue as we have lived in the wrong body for many years and are now keen to make changes and somewhere have to get to a stage of accepting and then loving our bodies, even although we can rarely achieve what we would really like.

I am sure many readers will have a number of unanswered questions.  In this short article, I have only scratched the surface of some of the issues faced by those of us born with gender dysphoria.  I hope this will have taken the threat out of meeting a transgender person.  Hopefully I have demonstrated that we are human, mostly sane and like everyone else, trying to do the best we can in life.  We need support, not ridicule.

I have been luckier than many others and have been glad of the opportunity to do what I can to assist the transgender community.  I look forward to the day when society is less judgmental and more accepting of those who do not fit neatly into the expected norms. Wouldn’t life be boring if we all looked, acted and thought the same?  You can help the transgender community by encouraging people to accept diversity and welcome the opportunity it presents to look at things differently and explore the differences.  Please remember the transition journey is hard and long and we undertake the journey because it is not a life choice but a harsh reality.

It took me a long time to move from thinking of my being transgendered as a curse to eventually seeing it as a gift.  The gift to view life from both perspectives and to have thought and lived in both genders.  Reaching this stage has taken a while but has enabled me to now get on with the rest of my life.

Thanks for the opportunity to share with you my life experience.