Ash, a trans/queer activist from Melbourne, Australia sent in this fabulous presentation that ze made at Camp Betty in 2007. I hope you enjoy it.

I’m here today to talk about my experience of being politically active and trans and how that impacts on my personal day to day life and vice versa. When figuring out how to write this presentation, I realised of course, that it is not possible to separate the two and so I am going to give my own 21st century version of that famous political slogan from the 1970’s, to which we owe the early second wave feminists so much debt – ‘The personal is political’…

In relation to my personal identity, there are some words I don’t take off:  queer, trans, vegan, butch, anti-capitalist, animal liberationist, anti-racist, feminist and the list goes on. Sometimes the long lists of identity labels that so many of us use are looked negatively upon, (perhaps because of ‘identity politics’ or the desire for a simple neat definition) but I believe the search for one name to describe me is as pointless as trying to separate my ‘personal’ from my ‘political’.  But I also take it further than that; I sometimes don’t want to define myself at all.

In terms of gender, I’m quite happy not giving you a nice “neat” definition of my identity. In a way, I hope that by not giving an easy definition of my identity and not following a familiar transition path that I will make people feel a little uncomfortable; (pause) uncomfortable enough to challenge preconceptions that are held as a result of our social conditioning. However, in another way, I also wish for an easier life for myself!  Being politically active in the world we live in today, as I’m sure most of you will know, sometimes comes at a significant personal cost – its bloody tiring!

A lot of people assume that being transgendered means going from male to female or female to male and furthermore doing everything possible to live in the “opposite” gender. In regards to trans masculine identities, that would often involve taking testosterone, having chest reconstructive surgery, a hysterectomy, and phalloplasty and furthermore in that order. This is not the road that I am on. Through refusing to identify as male or as female I am attempting to resist the medicalisation of transgender identities (pause) as well as the implicit project of re-inscribing the gender binary onto trans bodies. For me, this is not just where the personal and political gently entwine, it is where they collide.

I am a trans person who, over the last few years has spent a lot of time weighing up the pro’s and con’s of whether to take hormones. My decision to not take testosterone means that I often feel like I am fighting an uphill battle. As much as I desire some of the effects of taking t, at this stage the reasons for not taking it outweigh them. Some of these reasons are; that the long term side effects of taking testosterone are still relatively unknown and I don’t want to support a pharmaceutical company for the rest of my life. These companies are not only multinational corporations that care more about making money than healthcare but their products are still routinely tested on animals and most synthetic hormones have ingredients that are animal derived. I have also struggled to overcome my addictions and I am wary of feeling like something has control over me or of “hanging out” for my next t shot. Many transguys talk of mood swings, acne, not being able to cry or to be emotional, and other undesirable affects that taking testosterone can lead to. Also, and most of the time, I really like the fact that I am visibly queer and as much as I wish that I “passed” more, I would also find it extremely difficult to “pass” as a white heterosexual man.

I feel quite certain that taking testosterone is not something that I wish to do. In a political and cultural sense I am also experiencing in my everyday life the pressure for taking T, or at least the pressure of feeling like non-hormonal transgender-ness is a poor relative of hormonal transition. Many people find it difficult to understand transgender without automatically thinking that one day I will wake up and “be a man”. Transitioning for many trans people consists of various markers or initiations including; first shot of t, voice dropping, facial hair, chest surgery etc which are more visible to the outside world. These markers are often times of celebration, a celebration that I might not experience. Such concrete milestones make it easier for some people to understand a person’s gender transition. Without these markers, some people, both trans and otherwise, struggle to comprehend a less defined gender identity and as I’m sure that many of you can imagine and have probably experienced, it can be frustrating at times when people just don’t get it.

Historically, the necessity to claim a “different” or “un-name-able” space has been happening for centuries and across cultures. Queer theorists and historians including Esther Newton, Jack Halberstorm, Leslie Feinberg, Susan Stryker and many others, have pointed to many examples of how people (of not just recent, but of ancient, eras) have defied gender and sexuality conventions and have wittingly or unwittingly served as motivators and heroes for us today. However, queer theory of the 1990’s started a discourse where sexuality was understood to be less clear cut as either gay or straight. With queer theory and queer activism there began a dialogue beyond the male/female gender binary. In a contemporary and local sense, we have begun to deconstruct gender, and in turn we have (in many areas) made progress in breaking down the misconception that we all fit neatly into two, sweet, little boxes called male and female. In actual fact, the existence of intersex and/or hermaphrodite folks has been disproving this myth throughout time and it is a disgrace that the medical institution, continues to deny the right of intersexed people to make informed decisions about their own bodies.

On a personal level, I don’t want to subscribe to a forced binary understanding of thinking. I don’t use the word ‘transition’ to explain where I’m at either. As Del La Grace Volcano once said – “I’m not going from A to B or B to A, I’m just going”. I don’t see transitioning as something with a clear beginning and end but rather a journey that I hope is continual. I don’t want to get to a certain time in my life and feel like this is where I can stop growing or changing or learning or whatever. Transgender. Transcend. Transcend this forced binary idea of gender being limited to only male or female and furthermore that male and female have these strict understandings that everyone must adhere to. Although words like FTM and MTF have become necessary for some people (indeed many people) as the only way they can easily articulate themselves; the words themselves still subscribe to this gender binary way of thinking and as much as I support and advocate for people who choose this form of self address, I also think it makes it easy for people to reduce trans identity to simply being, only, and always, ‘trapped’ in the wrong body. My gender identity is not a psychiatric illness despite the psych hand book, the DSM IV saying otherwise. I refuse to set my identity within a pathological understanding. I’m not a biological mistake, my gender identity is not an error, but still the medical institution, with a few individual exceptions, does all it can to hide us and to rectify our so-called problems.  To turn to Del La Grace again, “I do not consider myself to be “gender dysphoric”. It’s more that the world is dysphoric (extremely uncomfortable) about me and all those like me who either won’t or can’t be precisely male or female”.

This highlights what I see as the importance of us all, to challenge the world that has an issue with non-normative gender identity and sexuality.
The questions I often find myself asking are:

• Why can’t I have access to chest reconstructive surgery without taking testosterone?
• Why would I have to have a hysterectomy in order to remove female from my passport?
• Why don’t the psychiatrist’s who approve us for means to change our bodies physically through hormones and surgery encourage us to be activists within our own communities?
• Why are these processes so expensive and not available through the public health system?
• Why is it that the medical institution has more power over what I do to my body than I do?

I feel that all of these issues within the trans community, work towards minimizing the number of trans people who adopt indiscriminate genders and refuse to be silenced.

I also want to make clear that I am not suggesting that transgender is revolutionary and that transsexual men and women are only upholding the oppressive either/or categories of male and female. I do not want to compare transgender and transsexual people against each other, but rather reinforce the idea that we work towards creating a space where everyone, including those who blur and challenge the notion of gender itself, can feel validated. There is a world of possibility in regards to gender, and I like to think that we can all be in this together.

In my opinion, too much time is wasted fighting against each other when this energy can be used more productively. Everyone on the trans masculine spectrum challenges the narrow definition of a male as a person born with a dick, a male is masculine, a male is attracted to women, and women only. I’m sure that everyone in this room knows that there are many different ways to be a “man”. The binary system is repressive. But both Transgender and Transsexualism through their existence work towards breaking down the way that patriarchal society so brutally tries to force all of us into two tiny categories. One does not need to identify outside of male/female to fight that system, we all can. Leslie Feinberg in Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink or Blue put it nicely when ze said “We all have the right to find our place on the circle of sex and gender, and still defend every other point on its circumference”.

I think it is important to shape the trans movement within a wider arena of social struggle. Not only would deconstructing the gender binary be useful for trans people in order for us to be able to live our lives the way we want to without fear or persecution.  But sexism would be likely to be eradicated in a world that didn’t rely on maintaining the belief that there are two distinct genders predetermined by biology. If the mainstream was educated to understand gender diversity – it would be difficult to maintain the situation where one gender holds more power and in turn dominates the other. The notion that there are only two genders works towards supporting patriarchal society and in my opinion, this in turn strengthens capitalism.
In my opinion we need to join forces with the women’s liberation movement, the union movement, the land rights movement, the animal liberation movement, the anarchist movement etc.. We can gain strength by working together to fight for not only sex and gender freedom, but to end discrimination in all its forms and in turn fight for social equity. We need to fight for the rights of all people to have control over their own body and develop their gender expression, free from violence and discrimination. I think it is disgraceful that we are seeing arguments against a woman’s right to choose to have an abortion still being flung around by politicians in an election year in 2007. We all deserve to have equal access to employment, housing, healthcare and all other basic human rights. My activism is about a wider struggle for equality and justice for everyone, not only the transgender community.

This is what keeps me fighting. My day to day existence can be painful at times and over the years my loving partner has spent too much time healing my emotional wounds. Sometimes I still struggle with things like not being “trans enough”. I will probably never pass as a “man” despite my voice training lessons and other unconventional methods of masculizing my body. Hopefully one day I will be able to have chest surgery in Australia without having to take testosterone like I could without too many questions in the States. I am aware that there are other gender pirates out there fighting similar fights. Many of whom I have met through overseas travel, over the internet, as well as, here, in Melbourne, within our ever growing and diversifying trans and queer communities. I am determined to find a way that I can survive and hopefully in turn, make it that little bit easier for the next kid who doesn’t fit in a neat little box. I will continue to question. I will continue to question why it is, that the only acceptable gender neutral titles are ones that are earned - like Reverend, Doctor, Constable and Sergeant.
Until the day that Mx or another gender neutral title is an option or until we do away with titles altogether I will continue to write Doctor on all my forms and hope that I don’t get busted for fraud. And I will continue with my, as my friend puts it, pronoun impairment – or being at odds with the male and female pronouns that are forced onto us. ll continue to navigate public bathrooms on a basis of which one would be safest or which one I will blend into more easily right now in this particular situation? On a side note - please check out the TMGP website for our Toil/Art Project – a project working towards increasing awareness and education around gender neutral and wheelchair accessible bathrooms in Melbourne.

Until freedom of gender expression is more than just dialogue, and when our decisions about our lives are ours and ours alone, I’m sure that people will continue to wonder just how long it will take for my testosterone to kick in, and when will my voice finally break.

But hopefully one day, with assistance from people like us, we will all be able to live without having to justify our existence, or having to continually break down assumptions made about ourselves on a daily basis or without having to live in fear of discrimination every day.

I would like to end with a quote from Leslie Feinberg’s Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink or Blue – “None of us can ever be free, if others are still in chains”.